As of late...

So I go through this mental battle...Everyday when I  sit down I think..ugh! I could be blogging, I could write that person back, I could call that other person, I could be dusting, organizing...the list goes on!! My personal favorite... I had a cute outfit on today, why didn't I take pictures!!! Pretty much everyday. But another day comes and another cute outfit goes... It's a little bit laziness, its a little bit sleepless nights and it's a little bit kids, but I don't know what it's gonna take for me to Cow Girl Up and get in front of that camera!! Because I am  obviously afraid of something I keep putting it off...I would make time right?! Right! So that's that battle... I'm working on it

This last month or so has been a whirlwind...

Our apartment lease is up and they are upping the rent $250!... Yeah!.. that's what we said!!

Found a second and full time job just looking for a new place

Took a leap of faith on the perfect place and got it!!

Berkely took 2 steps..then 6.. then started standing up after she would fall... Now she's trying to run!

My Baby turned a year old and became my toddler!

My Saturday away was a success! I laughed, breathed, looked and felt fabulous, and revived.. and MISSED my babies more than words can say...What?! I know.. every baby/child I saw on Lakeshore I fell over! It's funny how even in that few hours I just wanted to hug and smell them! who's attached?!

My 10 year Reunion was a fun and awkward and interesting night! I felt like a different person and it was a welcomed change. I felt grown up.

My Aunts Backyard Wedding was BEAUTIFUL

I read a Mya Angelou Poem during the ceremony...It was the perfect poem for that beautiful day.

I love nothing more than spending time with all of my family; eating, drinking, and laughing

Packing up life in Fremont, to unpack all our life in Hayward.

Can't wait to paint and decorate!

ME + ETSY= BFF <3

Attached!

Attachment Parenting:

The essence of Attachment Parenting is about forming and nurturing strong connections between parents and their children. Attachment Parenting challenges us as parents to treat our children with kindness, respect and dignity, and to model in our interactions with them the way we'd like them to interact with others.

This is the style of parenting that I practice. It's sounds more thought through than I had originally given it, I had no idea what attachment parenting was when I had Avery. I had no idea what much of anything was. I'll never forget when the nurse rolled her in for the first time, almost 2 hours after I had delivered her cesarean. (I have many opinions about my birth story but that's a whole other conversation) I was calm and assured yet nervous and wide eyed, here she was.. my baby. It was the beginning of forever. I didn't want to let her go and I thought she should always be close, she literally just came out of my body. So instead of letting her sleep in that little rolling box they give you, I laid her small little body on top of mine and we slept. smell, warmth, heart, bond. When we arrived home, Rick had the 'pack and play' set up in the en suite of the bedroom, everything we could have needed neatly organized in baskets... Such a good Daddy. That first night, like many I placed her down to sleep in the 'pack and play' and that night, like many she didn't stay sleep for long. She was squirmy, hated being swaddled tightly, she wasn't comfortable. I wasn't comfortable, I could barely sleep, I jumped at every sound(stricken with S.I.D.S fear) I thought..okay enough of this! I put her in our bed...and there she stayed. As the weeks turned into months I found myself choosing practices that felt very natural and right for me. I used a wrap carrier, shared a bed, breastfed, and knew staying home with my baby was an option I wouldn't pass up.

I was talking with my bestie who is an early childhood development educator, and she threw a term at me that bundled me up and gave light to everything I found myself doing . "Nine Months In- Nine Months Out". Ah Ha! Yes! I think I even welled up with tears, just in that phrase I felt like someone said, it's okay! You'd be surprised at the pressure you feel from family on how things are "supposed" to be done. Western Culture is one of the only cultures that puts their young away from them after birth. Many of us have heard our parents and grandparents say,"put that baby down, you're spoiling 'em!" Studies have shown that babies who are held close and nurtured by a strong mother-infant bond develop quicker. Something I didn't know...I didn't know a lot, but with this I began my search. I typed "NMI-NMO" into google and discovered an entire network and movement of parents bucking the system a bit and doing what came natural to them. Most of the people in forums had written, they didn't even know they were practicing Attachment Parenting when they heard about it. Like me, they felt compelled to do what felt right for them, not what a book or anybody else said was right. I kept listening to my gut, your baby should be close to your heart, smell,  and sound, that I wouldn't let her cry in another room until she understood that I was coming back, that our bond was strong and she was safe.( I literally cringe when people tell me CIO with a 4 month old baby...cringe) I was blown away at the supportive community, and the deep rooted human need to connect that is the essence of an attachment.

Avery Birth Bonding

Avery Birth Bonding with Daddy

Here are the 7 B's or Basic theories in Attachment Parenting:

1. Birth bonding

The way baby and parents get started with one another helps the early attachment unfold. The days and weeks after birth are a sensitive period in which mothers and babies are uniquely primed to want to be close to one another. A close attachment after birth and beyond allows the natural, biological attachment-promoting behaviors of the infant and the intuitive, biological, caregiving qualities of the mother to come together. Both members of this biological pair get off to the right start at a time when the infant is most needy and the mother is most ready to nurture (see Bonding)

"What if something happens to prevent our immediate bonding?"

Sometimes medical complications keep you and your baby apart for a while, but then catch-up bonding is what happens, starting as soon as possible. When the concept of bonding was first delivered onto the parenting scene twenty years ago, some people got it out of balance. The concept of human bonding being an absolute "critical period" or a "now-or-never" relationship was never intended. Birth bonding is not like instant glue that cements the mother-child relationship together forever. Bonding is a series of steps in your lifelong growing together with your child. Immediate bonding simply gives the parent- infant relationship a headstart. (See "Birth Bonding")

2. Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is an exercise in babyreading. Breastfeeding helps you read your baby's cues, her body language, which is the first step in getting to know your baby. Breastfeeding gives baby and mother a smart start in life. Breastmilk contains unique brain-building nutrients that cannot be manufactured or bought. Breastfeeding promotes the right chemistry between mother and baby by stimulating your body to produce prolactin and oxytocin, hormones that give your mothering a boost.

3. Babywearing

A baby learns a lot in the arms of a busy caregiver. Carried babies fuss less and spend more time in the state of quiet alertness, the behavior state in which babies learn most about their environment. Babywearing improves the sensitivity of the parents. Because your baby is so close to you, you get to know baby better. Closeness promotes familiarity. (Click here for more information on Babywearing)

4. Bedding close to baby

Wherever all family members get the best night's sleep is the right arrangement for your individual family. Co-sleeping co-sleeping adds a nighttime touch that helps busy daytime parents reconnect with their infant at night. Since nighttime is scary time for little people, sleeping within close touching and nursing distance minimizes nighttime separation anxiety and helps baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

5. Belief in the language value of your baby's cry

A baby's cry is a signal designed for the survival of the baby and the development of the parents. Responding sensitively to your baby's cries builds trust. Babies trust that their caregivers will be responsive to their needs. Parents gradually learn to trust in their ability to appropriately meet their baby's needs. This raises the parent-child communication level up a notch. Tiny babies cry to communicate, not to manipulate. (See Crying and Cry it Out)

6. Beware of baby trainers

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

7. Balance

In your zeal to give so much to your baby, it's easy to neglect the needs of yourself and your marriage. As you will learn the key to putting balance in your parenting is being appropriately responsive to your baby – knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no," and having the wisdom to say "yes" to yourself when you need help.




for more information about AP

More tales about my experience with AP to come...

The Death of Sleep Training...

Please bow your heads... we are gathered here today to pay tribute to sleep training. My hope, my strength, my will. We had some good days we had some bad... It was lovely(kinda) while it lasted, wasn't it? Well 6 teeth at once took a shank to sleep trainings side and it bleed out...right into my bed and nursing throughout the night! Yup! that's right..She's BAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK!!! I tried..I really did..Dammit I did!! But we live in an apt., but Rick has to get up in the morning, but she's in pain, but I'm too tired to fight, but, but but.. What'else you want?! What'else you want?! I gotta pocket full. I'm up in to my eyeballs in excuses and to me, they all make sense. And I'm just Fuckin' tired of being tired and tired of my heavy pocket.

So what now?! Well today I bought some Milk, we'll start there.

My 10 year reunion is in three weeks... I've got three weeks to get her less dependent on me. You would not believe the the gut nauseating fear that comes with leaving your child. "The fear" sounds crazy, but it's daunting and I can't explain it. As I was writing this I had  an ah-ha moment! I guess that's the great thing about journaling.

The fear comes from a few different places(ah ha!)
1. Her crying uncontrollably
 2. My breasts filling up like a couple of tight water balloons(you know, the ones that make that squeaky sound)
and 3. A combo of those sprinkled with questioning patience levels, being gone all day, and something else I can't think of right now. Ah Yes! Control!

My fears keep me up(among other things), I have a pit in my stomach. And for what? Seriously... what ever happened to a baby when left with her Daddy and her sister for the day? I mean, let's remove all the things that could happen and just ask really?!  There's gotta be a first time. So why does it feel so daunting.

My Saturday the 18th looks something like this:
8:30 Bridal Breakfast @ Lake Shore Cafe
10:00 Izek Aveda Salon for Spa Treatments
6:00 10 Year Reunion

What a fun day! I haven't had a day like this, well... EVER! I've never had a weekend like this one will be. Eating, Socializing, getting Pampered, looking good and feeling good. It sounds like just what the doctor ordered this bedraggled woman! And at the same time I have this feeling like I won't end up doing it. It's the fear, the noise(for those of you reading Bethany Frankels' 'A place of yes!')

So... milk in had we are saying goodbye to sleep training take 1 and welcoming the birth of sleep training take 2! Let the death of one bring light and clarity to the next as we embark on a new life, one hopefully filled with silent nights.

We Sing, We dance, We play!

Avery, like most 3 1/2 yr. olds, loves to play. It's one of the first things she asks me when she wakes up, besides "Can I have some Milk". She likes to play "little People", doctor, cafe(a personal fav), fairies, you be the daddy or the baby...or the mommy(which is confusing lol). All day long...Do you wanna play? Mommy, you wanna play...Come'on Naoj..let's play! Rick and I have created our "Little People" characters... He is Juan De La Handsome. A strong rugged ladies man with a spanish accent, and everything ends with..because I am Juan..Juan De La Handsome. Sometimes I have to warn him on content(Men!) I am Maggie Apple Bottom Pink Tree, why? I don't know it just came out one day and it stuck. Maggie is a friend to all and pretty boring compared to Juan...but Avery gets a kick out of it! I try and play at least 1-2 times a day, but most the time I say no or "let me finish this". I honestly don't enjoy playing. I never wanted to admit that, I kept that a secret for a long time, I had a lot of guilt about it. That was until I went to one of my 'power of moms' meetings and someone said it! She actually spoke on it, out loud and it was the most comforting and reviving moments I've had throughout this journey(Motherhood).

 I'm not alone, I'm not cruel or selfish, I'm not a bad mother, I'm human. And there are other mothers who are not playing with their children. It's so easy to imagine while your surfing the internet and your child wants to play that there is a mom out there at that moment reading, teaching, playing, or taking her kids to the park. Everything you are not doing, there is a mom out there being Super Mom and you suck! But you know what, after picking up endless toys, and laundry and dishes and beds that need to be made, phone calls placed, the last thing I wanna do is play.. and think. When all is said and done I really wanna just sit down(or hide in the back of the closet) and have some quiet time. I remember asking my mom to play Barbies with me, and when I recall my childhood...I don't really remember her playing with me. I used to think, who doesn't wanna play barbies? I didn't get it! As I grew up I thought, I'm gonna play with my kids, I'm gonna play Barbies for hours and have cool story lines, and I'm gonna... Yeah Right.. Okay!...now I get it!

I was an only child and my mom didn't always play with me...and I'm fine. As will she... and Hey! she's got Berkely and in just a minute she's gonna have a full time playmate! Who's super excited about that?!(Armed raised)

What I took away from that 'power of moms' meeting was, If playing is not my forte find another activity that we both enjoy. So we play with playdough, sing songs for Berkely, draw pictures, make cookies, but most of all we love to Dance! I put on her pandora station, filled with Raffi, The Laurie Berkner Band, and all things Disney, and we get our groove on! I hold her, and dip her, and spin her around and I'll go as far as saying she loves that way more than when we play. Do it again Mommy! She'll say with a big'ol smile on her face! It's actually a two for one when you think about it...We bond and I sweat! BooYaa!!

A disclaimer...

After the last post, I felt as though I should put a disclaimer out there. This blog is not for the faint or week of heart. I tell it like I see it and I see it how I say it! I'm just saying what most are thinking! Do I love my children? you bet your ass! Would I do anything to hurt them? Absolutely Not! They are my world and I can't imagine my life without them...well I can but for this blog sake..I can't! What I do recognize is the blurred line between "mommy" be it good or bad and the woman doesn't have her "village" and drowns her kids in the tub. There is a fine line.. and anybody who says it's not, is lying to herself. We have ALL had those moments and the difference lies in the actions. When desperate, sleep deprived, in need of some "me" time, and a conversation that doesn't involve; how old is she? how much does she weigh? why she isn't eating, and what triggers a tantrum... you'd be surprised what you are capable of. Motherhood is a funny fickle thing. It's the most wonderful gift you could ask for and at 3AM and 2 hours of screaming it's the worst curse you can imagine.

I'm saying I love my children as much as the next woman...but I can be honest and say I wanted to shake that lil' shit(aka my sweet little fatness girl) the other night..I didn't!.. but oooohhh man anything to make it stop and get some sleep.

 Mama needs an all expense paid day at the spa.. seriously! Any takers?!

If I didn't laugh...I'd cry!(Go the Fuck to Sleep)

So as many of you know we are sleep training...still..kinda. I can come up with every excuse in the book, but it wouldn't matter because at the end of the day, she's still not sleeping through the night. If you are looking for a woman who can easily put her children's issues aside for the sake of an end result...you've got the wrong mama! Berkely is cutting 6..count 'em up.. 6 teeth all at once!! Ouch! I cannot.. I repeat Cannot just let her "Cry It Out" or CIO for those of you who are book and web savvy. I don't have the gene that says your baby is fine, she's playing you, let her figure it out! I'm her mommy, her protector, her warrior, and I can't abandon her in time of need. She's hurting and wants to be close...I can't deny her?! Do you hear my desperation, because seriously I'm desperate! Last night was AWFUL!!! like finally said Fuck It, came into the living room 4:30AM Awful! She couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't get comfortable and I was near shaken baby syndrome when I had a reality check, put her in her crib before it gets outta hand. So I told Rick if he wants to get any sleep, he better sleep on the couch! So... New plan, give her some medicine for the pain and we are gonna sleep on a pallet in the living room. Her seeing us in the room is not working anymore! My friend sent this book to me and I laughed out loud! Because Lord knows if I didn't laugh I would be in a full on melt down about now!

http://www.issuu.com/heidiaustinjones/docs/gotheftsbook (to get closer: open book and it's top left)

One Hand Wonder

You'd be surprised how much you can do one handed...

I can..

Cook a meal
Go to the bathroom... in a public restroom(skills)
Make my bed
Do Laundry
Sign a document
Help Avery get dressed
Help Avery in the bathroom
Push a stroller
Grocery shop
Give a hand job.. LOL Just kidding(well not really) but come-on, You left yourself wide open!!

I feel like that guy in M. Night Shayamalan's 'Lady in the Water'... Super buff on one side.
I've got a killer left arm!  too bad I'm right handed cause I could probably sock the shit outta someone!!

I'm always surprised at what I'm capable of in time of need, every time I think, How the F* am I gonna get this done with a baby attached to me. It takes me a little longer but it gets done. I Definitely have that "I am woman hear me roar" feel afterwards!

A couple weeks ago I was asked to set up my Uptown Baby Boutique for an event. I went to storage got the stuff out of the storage unit, dragged the boxes to the truck, unloaded the truck to reload the truck. All the meanwhile the girls were worn out from an all day Zoo trip. There was crying, screaming, and exhaustion all around. I won't get into the whole story but I will say, I left the house about 6pm after the glass jar of minced garlic hit the kitchen floor. I needed a minute, to say the least.

So the following day I had this event to attend and Rick was gonna come home early to take over the girls. Before you knew it, it was 4:00. He couldn't leave work and I needed to go...so I loaded the boxes on top of each other, I had the backpack on, the ergo carrier on the front and was pulling the 4 clear storage tubs to the elevator. Luckily as I was coming out of the main entrance these women saw me and were like,"Do you need help?" ummmmm....Kinda?! I mean come on!!! YES!! I need help!( I didn't say that, I was my sweet "if you don't mind" self) So..they helped me to the truck, and I loaded the girls in, then unloaded the back to reload the back and was on the road to Campbell(about 30 min away). The whole drive there I thought...What am I gonna do with the kids? Can I pull this off? should I just turn around? My head was running a mile a minute. I was in a full sweat and the work hadn't even really began.

So to make a long story short, I decided to stick it out and set up this table one handed(mostly). Avery was AMAZING!!! she sat in this chair next to the table and ate her food and did her thing and I didn't really have to parent her. Berkely slept and nursed and crawled around a little. And I have the most well behaved AMAZING children EVER! The work was well worth it, People were commending me for even attempting this with two kids and it felt so good. It showed me that I was capable, my children were capable, and this was the stuff successful women were made of...now if I could just have that drive when it came to maintaining my house, I would be unstoppable!!

still... I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!( with my one buff arm!)