habitot

We had a lovely Sunday in the Bay. Our Saturday was Unlovely(In so many words)...this day trip was a nice way to bring us back to homeostasis. We packed up the kids and hopped on Bart into Berkeley. Habitot is a Children's Museum for infants and toddlers,  where they can explore through simulated play. Avery didn't want to go, she's been on this kick lately where she wants to do the very opposite of what we are about to do. So much so, she will resort to tears and semi-fall outs. On the upside, she loves to take Bart, so she was over it as soon as we left the house. I love to watch her as we ride "the train", her little mind working overtime as she studies people and voices along the many stops. I love that about Urban areas, the multi-cultural influence and easy vibe of city dwellers, biking, living and travelling through the various cities. I love to feel like a local, like I chose this place to raise my family, I'm not visiting, I am apart of what makes this place so free. I haven't been to downtown Berkeley in forever and it was just as cool as I remember. Love the dreads, bright yellow tights, 50's shoe boots and lace skirts, lip rings, CAL sweatshirts, kids in organic fabrics, families biking.

Arriving at Habitot only made me want to live there even more, I was jealous of the very hipster moms with their kids in veggie dyed clothing, membership holders I'm sure. Daddy is always very hands on in places like this, guess it brings out his inner child(not that hard). He helped Av as she went from station to station slightly unsure of whether to break loose and run like the other little hellions. She stayed pretty close the whole time, doing a lot of side by side play, not too much interacting with the other kids. Once Berkely woke up I took her into the Infant Garden, she crawled, cruised, took books out of baskets and talked to other babies and she went through her first tunnel...very proud developmental moment for mommy! When we had seen and touched it all, we went for Pizza at Jupiter's. Amazing Salad and Fries and Pizza and their Hefe wasn't too bad either. We got a window seat, and when Rick took Avery to the bathroom, I had one of those quiet, reflective out of body moments...this is our life. I watched people watch me as they walked by, I felt at peace and I recalled talking about this moment, this peaceful settled feeling that I longed to have and here we are. One of the locals. I can't imagine being anywhere else. They returned to the table and as he gazed down at his mouth watering salad, he said " I still love our life, and I still love it with you." I was still recovering, but I still love my life with him too. We finished up our day window shopping, 1/2 price bookstore, and gelato. We got caught in the rain, and you know what?! We didn't even care... It was a great Sunday.

Being Played

I have had endless conversations about sleep...or the lack thereof. Today I noticed how big my baby was getting; babbling, eating(or the lack thereof) playing, standing, and cruising. She is almost a year old and I've started to see that shift between baby/infant to infant/toddler. Last night I tried something new, just for shits and giggles. I knew she was beyond tired, so I grabbed the bear(our anti-breast, lovie) and maybe it was the wrong way to go about this, but I laid down in our bed with her and patted her back.

And for the first time I saw something, I saw my infant/toddler lay down and close her eyes. Done. Just like that. And for a minute she just laid there, her back moving from deep tired breaths. Then she promptly popped up and crawled over to me trying to nurse. I pulled her down, she squirmed, cried, fought, laid, rolled, cuddled her bear, kicked, laid, smacked her bear, screamed and for 3 minutes laid still. I wasn't even touching her at that point, and I realized...No, she's not hurt, her stomach doesn't hurt, she's tired, and been trained to nurse to sleep and that's what she wants to do. She again got up and this time screamed like she was in pain, and I thought, it's her stomach! well I did have cheese. She has a cheese allergy(I think, because her sister did, doctor says no..but..she had a body rash in the hospital?!)

I called Rick to bring the gripe water(gas drops and water) I picked her up(yes! I did) and bounced her and rubbed her back and stomach. Because I won't have my baby hurting and let her cry it out...I felt awful for my lack of self control...but ooohh was that pizza delicious. I have been dabbling in dairy for awhile, partly because I have the pediatrician in the back of my head. But yes it was the pizza, had to be the pizza(do you hear the desperation and denial). So I thought, well let's just see, let's just see if its the cheese. I did a test: 1) to shut this case(the case of "Is it the dairy") and 2) because I was ready for it to be over. I nursed her. And you know what?, she's fine. Her stomach doesn't hurt. I'm being played.

Tomorrow...We start the sleep training. stay tuned.

Tired of being tired

I sent this text to my friend last night: 


Me: I need a therapy session... Seriously.


Her: What Happened?


Me: Just tired of being tired...and the girls go to bed around 10.. So it's a vicious cycle. I need to change my whole life and the way I structure my day.. I don't even know how to start.. I feel lost, tired, emotional and physically drained.. I need a moment and not one on the couch waiting for it to be interrupted.. I never really relax! My back is KILLING me ALL the time, I can't sleep because my back hurts so bad, let alone that B doesn't sleep through the night. So compounded sleep loss.. I'm irritable, snappy,snatching, yanking,yelling,popping, and uninterested in playing. I feel awful, my kids don't deserve this and I'm always rushing to keep up with my own shit.. I literally create the work, then I leave the house, only to return to it later in the day, stressed, tired, and needing to get dinner on the table. I am not the mother I want to be.. I see other moms and I want thier energy,strength, and patience. Sigh.... I'm just tired of feeling like this, and need the strength to change it!


Her: I can totally relate to everything you just said. Been there and still go there from time to time. Naoj you are human and you should be proud of what you're doing for your family. It's not easy and it takes a special mother and woman to go through what you go through and constantly put yourself last...We'll talk, try and have a good night. It will get better. Trust.

I have made a good friend. Her words settled my thoughts and brought me a day renewed. 

I truly believe there is a higher power, call him God, or the spirit or whatever you'd like, but there is something greater at work here. 

Today we made new friends at our playdate and one of the moms owns a company called 'parent perspective'. Its all about teaching parents to establish perspective and technique by 1) Developing realistic and age appropriate expectations for their child's conduct. 2) Effectively and positively communicating with their child. 3) Learning specific skills and behaviors to address various situations that arise during parenting. 

 This sounds like all the things that I'm already doing(I have moments of weakness)...so what's to learn, she's no expert... just a mom like me. But when you are in the throws of parenting, most of that goes out the window and you react in the moment. I am always eager to learn and grow when it comes to my children. I was grateful to meet her today, our conversation was reassuring, affirming, and warm(fuzzy too). I felt like the spirit knew this woman and I should meet today. Not just because yesterday was a tough day, but every month/week/hour leading to that moment, that chance conversation.  We talked about discipline, time management, mastering the art of co-parenting, playgroup dynamics (as of late: hitting), and teaching at home, what she calls; Being your child's "First and Forever" teacher.

As a stay at home mom, the only thing I do on a daily basis without fail is feed, bath, and read to my kids. All the other things come and go depending on my mood. Laundry, leaving the house, playing with Avery, doing some sort of educational activity, combing hair, cleaning, and general order and consistency. All of the above events are things I'd like to do everyday, but my stay at home, tired, easily rattled, often lazy, put off till tomorrow self basks in the glory of my free schedule. I need/WANT change, I need a routine that I can follow, easily initiate, and stick to, but I don't know where to begin, thinking about it is exhausting and unnerving. I need change for the sake of my children, my family, and above all, myself. It's like looking at a word find for 20 minutes and someone walks up and points out the answer. I know it's there, I just can't see it. I think parent perspective is going to point out that answer, and I'm thankful that someone was looking over my shoulder.


On the other hand, I've had really good days too. The ones where you feel like a great mom and wife; we laugh more than we cry, we learn, were productive, dinner is on the table and the house is clean and kids sleep by 9:30..and then you watch a movie or favorite show with your husband and reconnect. I cherish and am thankful for those days.


Here are some sweet moments from our week...

Taking it in...

On President's Day we woke up and decided that Ocean air and tide pools were in order. The ability to wake up and drive to the beach on a whim is the stuff dreams are made of. We packed a lunch, loaded up our big ass bus(suburban) and headed for Santa Cruz' Natural Bridges. It was beautiful, the weather was perfect; clear skies, soft wind, and a warm sun. We all love the beach, but Miss Avery comes alive. She is inquisitive and adventurous, and if she could be a mermaid, all would be right in the world. We climbed up the rocks and explored the tide pools, got soaked by a surprise wave, had a mini meltdown when she stepped in some sea weed, and enjoyed a great picnic lunch. We love our life..