A disclaimer...

After the last post, I felt as though I should put a disclaimer out there. This blog is not for the faint or week of heart. I tell it like I see it and I see it how I say it! I'm just saying what most are thinking! Do I love my children? you bet your ass! Would I do anything to hurt them? Absolutely Not! They are my world and I can't imagine my life without them...well I can but for this blog sake..I can't! What I do recognize is the blurred line between "mommy" be it good or bad and the woman doesn't have her "village" and drowns her kids in the tub. There is a fine line.. and anybody who says it's not, is lying to herself. We have ALL had those moments and the difference lies in the actions. When desperate, sleep deprived, in need of some "me" time, and a conversation that doesn't involve; how old is she? how much does she weigh? why she isn't eating, and what triggers a tantrum... you'd be surprised what you are capable of. Motherhood is a funny fickle thing. It's the most wonderful gift you could ask for and at 3AM and 2 hours of screaming it's the worst curse you can imagine.

I'm saying I love my children as much as the next woman...but I can be honest and say I wanted to shake that lil' shit(aka my sweet little fatness girl) the other night..I didn't!.. but oooohhh man anything to make it stop and get some sleep.

 Mama needs an all expense paid day at the spa.. seriously! Any takers?!

If I didn't laugh...I'd cry!(Go the Fuck to Sleep)

So as many of you know we are sleep training...still..kinda. I can come up with every excuse in the book, but it wouldn't matter because at the end of the day, she's still not sleeping through the night. If you are looking for a woman who can easily put her children's issues aside for the sake of an end result...you've got the wrong mama! Berkely is cutting 6..count 'em up.. 6 teeth all at once!! Ouch! I cannot.. I repeat Cannot just let her "Cry It Out" or CIO for those of you who are book and web savvy. I don't have the gene that says your baby is fine, she's playing you, let her figure it out! I'm her mommy, her protector, her warrior, and I can't abandon her in time of need. She's hurting and wants to be close...I can't deny her?! Do you hear my desperation, because seriously I'm desperate! Last night was AWFUL!!! like finally said Fuck It, came into the living room 4:30AM Awful! She couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't get comfortable and I was near shaken baby syndrome when I had a reality check, put her in her crib before it gets outta hand. So I told Rick if he wants to get any sleep, he better sleep on the couch! So... New plan, give her some medicine for the pain and we are gonna sleep on a pallet in the living room. Her seeing us in the room is not working anymore! My friend sent this book to me and I laughed out loud! Because Lord knows if I didn't laugh I would be in a full on melt down about now!

http://www.issuu.com/heidiaustinjones/docs/gotheftsbook (to get closer: open book and it's top left)

One Hand Wonder

You'd be surprised how much you can do one handed...

I can..

Cook a meal
Go to the bathroom... in a public restroom(skills)
Make my bed
Do Laundry
Sign a document
Help Avery get dressed
Help Avery in the bathroom
Push a stroller
Grocery shop
Give a hand job.. LOL Just kidding(well not really) but come-on, You left yourself wide open!!

I feel like that guy in M. Night Shayamalan's 'Lady in the Water'... Super buff on one side.
I've got a killer left arm!  too bad I'm right handed cause I could probably sock the shit outta someone!!

I'm always surprised at what I'm capable of in time of need, every time I think, How the F* am I gonna get this done with a baby attached to me. It takes me a little longer but it gets done. I Definitely have that "I am woman hear me roar" feel afterwards!

A couple weeks ago I was asked to set up my Uptown Baby Boutique for an event. I went to storage got the stuff out of the storage unit, dragged the boxes to the truck, unloaded the truck to reload the truck. All the meanwhile the girls were worn out from an all day Zoo trip. There was crying, screaming, and exhaustion all around. I won't get into the whole story but I will say, I left the house about 6pm after the glass jar of minced garlic hit the kitchen floor. I needed a minute, to say the least.

So the following day I had this event to attend and Rick was gonna come home early to take over the girls. Before you knew it, it was 4:00. He couldn't leave work and I needed to go...so I loaded the boxes on top of each other, I had the backpack on, the ergo carrier on the front and was pulling the 4 clear storage tubs to the elevator. Luckily as I was coming out of the main entrance these women saw me and were like,"Do you need help?" ummmmm....Kinda?! I mean come on!!! YES!! I need help!( I didn't say that, I was my sweet "if you don't mind" self) So..they helped me to the truck, and I loaded the girls in, then unloaded the back to reload the back and was on the road to Campbell(about 30 min away). The whole drive there I thought...What am I gonna do with the kids? Can I pull this off? should I just turn around? My head was running a mile a minute. I was in a full sweat and the work hadn't even really began.

So to make a long story short, I decided to stick it out and set up this table one handed(mostly). Avery was AMAZING!!! she sat in this chair next to the table and ate her food and did her thing and I didn't really have to parent her. Berkely slept and nursed and crawled around a little. And I have the most well behaved AMAZING children EVER! The work was well worth it, People were commending me for even attempting this with two kids and it felt so good. It showed me that I was capable, my children were capable, and this was the stuff successful women were made of...now if I could just have that drive when it came to maintaining my house, I would be unstoppable!!

still... I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!( with my one buff arm!)

Say What?!

Why didn't anybody warn me about 3 1/2... a little heads up wouldn't have hurt! Seriously, I'm scared! If this is what 3 looks like god save us all when she hits 13! I was so proud of my husband last week, Avery had gone into the kitchen to ask for something and he said no. She stomped into the living room and he was on that shit so quick I didn't even have time to react. "Hey"! he said, "we don't act like that! If your upset, fine, but you will not be stompin around here, that'll be the first and last time that EVER happens, got it?!" I was like, Daaaammmmnnnnnn! Shut It Down! I always feel like the bad guy, I do most of the disciplining around here and it sucks! She'll get in trouble or I'd ask her to do something and she gets a lil tantrum, once she calms down I ask her why she did what she did, through tears she squeals out,  I just love my daddy! Or I just want my daddy, and it used to piss me off! Like.. really? I'm here all day playing, feeding, turning shows on, taking your ass to the park, and because you're in trouble you want daddy?! That's some Bullshit and that's not the reason you're acting up, I'm sorry! But I can't show her it gets me so I just say... me too or daddy will be home for dinner! You have no idea what kind of self control that requires, because... what I wanna do is snatch her little butt all over the room. She has no idea how lucky she is cause some kids are getting their lil ass' handed to them! My girls got AT TI TUDE okay! and that Death Stare she serves up could put fear in a grown man! She's also started saying, OKAY NAOJ! I'm like...say what?! Or I'll ask her to do something and she'll yell, I don't want to!! or shake her head wildly. HOLD MY EARRINGS! Cause we bout to fight!! I'm so ready for this stage to be over, I'm not getting enough sleep to deal with this shit during the day. All I'm gone say is... Someone coulda warned me.

On a lighter note, we have been getting out of the house more, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. The baby goslings and ducklings are are all around the Lake and it's so peaceful. The girls LOVE being outside, the sights and sounds transfix Berkely and everyone is always happy. B is just a different baby outside, she's adventurous, quiet and smiley. I have been walking around the lake and then hitting up the park afterwards and everybody gets what they need, we get out of the house, and B naps better from the fresh air. It's all positive. I'm still trying to work out my system, anytime I add something to the mix, it throws me for a few weeks. So right now I'm running late to just about everything, there are just not enough minutes in an hour, before I know it 2 hrs have passed! It's like I'm working and making work at the same time, as I'm trying to get out of the house many things are taking place. Avery is under my feet asking me questions, B is crying, I can't find something, I still need to  clean up the bathroom, the kitchen, my bedroom, the clothes need to be put in the dryer, or a load needs to be started, toys are being pulled out, someone shit their diaper, someone put their shoes on the wrong feet(last week was a "f it" lets just go, and winded up trippin on the way into the park, go figure), Avery is whining, I still need mascara on and oh! deodorant! I mean the list could go on... It's like fuck me runnin', where did the days go of getting out of the house without a Dreamworks Motion Picture! But I do it...and it's getting easier. I'm learning what works and what doesn't and on those days that I chose to ignore what it is I need to do, I've got two little ones that remind me, consistency is key, and if I'd take my ass to bed at 10p, I could get my ass up earlier and get it ALL done!

It's 12:50 right now... it's a vicious cycle. But ooooohhhhh is it quiet ; )

Kids are now Lucky too!

I love Lucky Magazine! I love the season appropriate hues the 'Yes! Maybe!' stickers come in and the enticing city guides. My Once SSB( Secret Single Behavior) Involved a fresh issue of Lucky, Vaseline/ socks, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's random.. I know.. that's why it was a secret.  Well... last month Lucky debuted their Lucky Kids edition and filled my mommy cup with a dose of wonderful! I love to shop, most of us do and when it comes to the kids department, it's an undeniable fetish!
And of course they have a city guide...check out fiddlesticks in San Fran! Here are some cute finds from their site!

I can just see Baja's chunky thighs  in this adorable one piece!

Beautiful Print Beautiful Color

Avery always looks cute in these none girlie girlie dresses!

Avery would be so cute in this fresh lightweight romper

This would be a Peanut Fav...it's got a hood and pockets!!

Her name is Coco!

My Photo Hair Journey

I chopped all my hair off in 2008. Almost a year after I had Avery and discovered that working, taking care of a child, husband, a home, and trying to manage relaxers, 1 hr. blowdrys and 30min flat irons, once a week was for the birds! It was an impulse move(like most of my decisons) and I went balls out! My hair was practically to my scalp. I promptly had a mini break down and a identity crisis, I was back at the salon two days later trying to figure out what I could do not to look like...well..Me! I was holding back the ugly cry as the salon manager talked me down from the bridge. Who was this girl looking back at me? I was the Black Girl Next Door, I had my signature swoop bang, and on days when doing nothing to my hair was the best option, a cute messy bun was my go to style. I had "good hair", and now I had super short tiny curls all over my head and I felt like somebody's "Life Partner"! I refused a retexturizer, the point was to be chemical and maintenance free, so... the grow out began. I had a few set backs; a trial and very error mo hawk, platinum blonde etc. But I rode it out, the transition was a bitch, and slowly but surely my hair grew and my curls defined, I found my style, and I embraced my beautiful hair. My hair is free and easy and it now defines me in a way that the "girl next door" never could. I attended a natural hair meetup while living in Vegas and was introduced to a family of women who had gone natural. We shared our stories, our challenges, our self discovery, it was a connection, a bond and support that we shared and it was an amazing feeling. I have found a growing community online, and a kinship between black women that I have never seen before. I met Cassadie of natural selection through an online search and got lucky that she was having a Natural Hair Event within the month. I had such a great time talking, sharing, and admiring all the women of color and all the different hair textures and styles. When emailing Cassadie, she had signed her email for her and her hair "Lola"! I loved it, I asked her about the name and she said her hair had taken on a life of it's own and it had personality... we had a good laugh! I totally agree, my hair is wild, sexy, ornery, spirally, is all shades of cinnamon, and on any given day doing whatever the hell she wants to do... her name is Coco!

Neglect and other things...

I have neglected my blog, it's true. I have been through the peaks and valleys of sleep training and parenting two children. We have had victories and slight set backs, and I should have been putting it all down, but I think about thinking and typing and I lay down on the couch from exhaustion.

It rained for two weeks during the bulk of our sleep training. In some respects it was nice to be able to focus on B's sleeping without having plans, but on the other hand, day in day out lack of sleep and these four walls were closing in and I found myself in a slight funk. I didn't realize I was in a funk until last Monday rolled around and we had a park playdate. The warm sun on my skin and the breeze through my hair made me catch my breath...and that breath revived me. I couldn't get enough, We went out everyday last week. And on Thursday, the most beautiful of all the days, we went to Alameda Beach.

You should have been there, It was everything I could have asked for in a impromptu weekday beach trip with my girls. We woke up early, rested, and happy. I sent out a mass texts, We're going to the beach! Although we didn't have any takers, I wasn't gonna let that hold us back, I was gonna man this alone, dammit! It was a heated and slightly(slightly) breezy 77 degrees, I had all the windows down and listened to my Reggae station on Pandora, the girls slept the whole ride. I cherish those quiet moments when I'm taking pictures with my senses. I took more pictures when we got to the beach, watching Avery dig in the sand, Berkely looking out in the distance transfixed with birds and people and the sun/breeze combo on her face. I smelled the bay, felt the breeze, the sand between my toes, and heard the tide moving gently up and down along the beach. I took one single  picture with my phone, but the
memories of the day will stay with me, hopefully forever.  

I finally FINALLY took 'one' picture of my mommy street style. On the way out the door...Rick yelling at me( Com'on Babe, really? can't we ever just get out the door?!) Yes!! but no.. you gotta take this picture, just really quick babe pleeeeeeaaaaassseeeeeeeeee 

So I need to take pictures of what I have in my closet and how I'm remixing my wardrobe to run, climb, squat, nurse, kneel, and everything in between as I travel and play with my girls!

Stay tuned...

P.s
Our sleep training has been successful...B now goes down at 7:30 without a fight, in her own bed and then sleeps(usually without a peep) until 11:30! She wakes, we lay her back down and she sleeps until 1:30-2:30, nurses and goes back to sleep until 4/4:30-5:30 everyday is different but hey! she's sleeping and even if it doesn't feel like it, so am I.