Say What?!

Why didn't anybody warn me about 3 1/2... a little heads up wouldn't have hurt! Seriously, I'm scared! If this is what 3 looks like god save us all when she hits 13! I was so proud of my husband last week, Avery had gone into the kitchen to ask for something and he said no. She stomped into the living room and he was on that shit so quick I didn't even have time to react. "Hey"! he said, "we don't act like that! If your upset, fine, but you will not be stompin around here, that'll be the first and last time that EVER happens, got it?!" I was like, Daaaammmmnnnnnn! Shut It Down! I always feel like the bad guy, I do most of the disciplining around here and it sucks! She'll get in trouble or I'd ask her to do something and she gets a lil tantrum, once she calms down I ask her why she did what she did, through tears she squeals out,  I just love my daddy! Or I just want my daddy, and it used to piss me off! Like.. really? I'm here all day playing, feeding, turning shows on, taking your ass to the park, and because you're in trouble you want daddy?! That's some Bullshit and that's not the reason you're acting up, I'm sorry! But I can't show her it gets me so I just say... me too or daddy will be home for dinner! You have no idea what kind of self control that requires, because... what I wanna do is snatch her little butt all over the room. She has no idea how lucky she is cause some kids are getting their lil ass' handed to them! My girls got AT TI TUDE okay! and that Death Stare she serves up could put fear in a grown man! She's also started saying, OKAY NAOJ! I'm like...say what?! Or I'll ask her to do something and she'll yell, I don't want to!! or shake her head wildly. HOLD MY EARRINGS! Cause we bout to fight!! I'm so ready for this stage to be over, I'm not getting enough sleep to deal with this shit during the day. All I'm gone say is... Someone coulda warned me.

On a lighter note, we have been getting out of the house more, the sun is shining and the birds are singing. The baby goslings and ducklings are are all around the Lake and it's so peaceful. The girls LOVE being outside, the sights and sounds transfix Berkely and everyone is always happy. B is just a different baby outside, she's adventurous, quiet and smiley. I have been walking around the lake and then hitting up the park afterwards and everybody gets what they need, we get out of the house, and B naps better from the fresh air. It's all positive. I'm still trying to work out my system, anytime I add something to the mix, it throws me for a few weeks. So right now I'm running late to just about everything, there are just not enough minutes in an hour, before I know it 2 hrs have passed! It's like I'm working and making work at the same time, as I'm trying to get out of the house many things are taking place. Avery is under my feet asking me questions, B is crying, I can't find something, I still need to  clean up the bathroom, the kitchen, my bedroom, the clothes need to be put in the dryer, or a load needs to be started, toys are being pulled out, someone shit their diaper, someone put their shoes on the wrong feet(last week was a "f it" lets just go, and winded up trippin on the way into the park, go figure), Avery is whining, I still need mascara on and oh! deodorant! I mean the list could go on... It's like fuck me runnin', where did the days go of getting out of the house without a Dreamworks Motion Picture! But I do it...and it's getting easier. I'm learning what works and what doesn't and on those days that I chose to ignore what it is I need to do, I've got two little ones that remind me, consistency is key, and if I'd take my ass to bed at 10p, I could get my ass up earlier and get it ALL done!

It's 12:50 right now... it's a vicious cycle. But ooooohhhhh is it quiet ; )

Kids are now Lucky too!

I love Lucky Magazine! I love the season appropriate hues the 'Yes! Maybe!' stickers come in and the enticing city guides. My Once SSB( Secret Single Behavior) Involved a fresh issue of Lucky, Vaseline/ socks, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It's random.. I know.. that's why it was a secret.  Well... last month Lucky debuted their Lucky Kids edition and filled my mommy cup with a dose of wonderful! I love to shop, most of us do and when it comes to the kids department, it's an undeniable fetish!
And of course they have a city guide...check out fiddlesticks in San Fran! Here are some cute finds from their site!

I can just see Baja's chunky thighs  in this adorable one piece!

Beautiful Print Beautiful Color

Avery always looks cute in these none girlie girlie dresses!

Avery would be so cute in this fresh lightweight romper

This would be a Peanut Fav...it's got a hood and pockets!!

Her name is Coco!

My Photo Hair Journey

I chopped all my hair off in 2008. Almost a year after I had Avery and discovered that working, taking care of a child, husband, a home, and trying to manage relaxers, 1 hr. blowdrys and 30min flat irons, once a week was for the birds! It was an impulse move(like most of my decisons) and I went balls out! My hair was practically to my scalp. I promptly had a mini break down and a identity crisis, I was back at the salon two days later trying to figure out what I could do not to look like...well..Me! I was holding back the ugly cry as the salon manager talked me down from the bridge. Who was this girl looking back at me? I was the Black Girl Next Door, I had my signature swoop bang, and on days when doing nothing to my hair was the best option, a cute messy bun was my go to style. I had "good hair", and now I had super short tiny curls all over my head and I felt like somebody's "Life Partner"! I refused a retexturizer, the point was to be chemical and maintenance free, so... the grow out began. I had a few set backs; a trial and very error mo hawk, platinum blonde etc. But I rode it out, the transition was a bitch, and slowly but surely my hair grew and my curls defined, I found my style, and I embraced my beautiful hair. My hair is free and easy and it now defines me in a way that the "girl next door" never could. I attended a natural hair meetup while living in Vegas and was introduced to a family of women who had gone natural. We shared our stories, our challenges, our self discovery, it was a connection, a bond and support that we shared and it was an amazing feeling. I have found a growing community online, and a kinship between black women that I have never seen before. I met Cassadie of natural selection through an online search and got lucky that she was having a Natural Hair Event within the month. I had such a great time talking, sharing, and admiring all the women of color and all the different hair textures and styles. When emailing Cassadie, she had signed her email for her and her hair "Lola"! I loved it, I asked her about the name and she said her hair had taken on a life of it's own and it had personality... we had a good laugh! I totally agree, my hair is wild, sexy, ornery, spirally, is all shades of cinnamon, and on any given day doing whatever the hell she wants to do... her name is Coco!

Neglect and other things...

I have neglected my blog, it's true. I have been through the peaks and valleys of sleep training and parenting two children. We have had victories and slight set backs, and I should have been putting it all down, but I think about thinking and typing and I lay down on the couch from exhaustion.

It rained for two weeks during the bulk of our sleep training. In some respects it was nice to be able to focus on B's sleeping without having plans, but on the other hand, day in day out lack of sleep and these four walls were closing in and I found myself in a slight funk. I didn't realize I was in a funk until last Monday rolled around and we had a park playdate. The warm sun on my skin and the breeze through my hair made me catch my breath...and that breath revived me. I couldn't get enough, We went out everyday last week. And on Thursday, the most beautiful of all the days, we went to Alameda Beach.

You should have been there, It was everything I could have asked for in a impromptu weekday beach trip with my girls. We woke up early, rested, and happy. I sent out a mass texts, We're going to the beach! Although we didn't have any takers, I wasn't gonna let that hold us back, I was gonna man this alone, dammit! It was a heated and slightly(slightly) breezy 77 degrees, I had all the windows down and listened to my Reggae station on Pandora, the girls slept the whole ride. I cherish those quiet moments when I'm taking pictures with my senses. I took more pictures when we got to the beach, watching Avery dig in the sand, Berkely looking out in the distance transfixed with birds and people and the sun/breeze combo on her face. I smelled the bay, felt the breeze, the sand between my toes, and heard the tide moving gently up and down along the beach. I took one single  picture with my phone, but the
memories of the day will stay with me, hopefully forever.  

I finally FINALLY took 'one' picture of my mommy street style. On the way out the door...Rick yelling at me( Com'on Babe, really? can't we ever just get out the door?!) Yes!! but no.. you gotta take this picture, just really quick babe pleeeeeeaaaaassseeeeeeeeee 

So I need to take pictures of what I have in my closet and how I'm remixing my wardrobe to run, climb, squat, nurse, kneel, and everything in between as I travel and play with my girls!

Stay tuned...

P.s
Our sleep training has been successful...B now goes down at 7:30 without a fight, in her own bed and then sleeps(usually without a peep) until 11:30! She wakes, we lay her back down and she sleeps until 1:30-2:30, nurses and goes back to sleep until 4/4:30-5:30 everyday is different but hey! she's sleeping and even if it doesn't feel like it, so am I.

habitot

We had a lovely Sunday in the Bay. Our Saturday was Unlovely(In so many words)...this day trip was a nice way to bring us back to homeostasis. We packed up the kids and hopped on Bart into Berkeley. Habitot is a Children's Museum for infants and toddlers,  where they can explore through simulated play. Avery didn't want to go, she's been on this kick lately where she wants to do the very opposite of what we are about to do. So much so, she will resort to tears and semi-fall outs. On the upside, she loves to take Bart, so she was over it as soon as we left the house. I love to watch her as we ride "the train", her little mind working overtime as she studies people and voices along the many stops. I love that about Urban areas, the multi-cultural influence and easy vibe of city dwellers, biking, living and travelling through the various cities. I love to feel like a local, like I chose this place to raise my family, I'm not visiting, I am apart of what makes this place so free. I haven't been to downtown Berkeley in forever and it was just as cool as I remember. Love the dreads, bright yellow tights, 50's shoe boots and lace skirts, lip rings, CAL sweatshirts, kids in organic fabrics, families biking.

Arriving at Habitot only made me want to live there even more, I was jealous of the very hipster moms with their kids in veggie dyed clothing, membership holders I'm sure. Daddy is always very hands on in places like this, guess it brings out his inner child(not that hard). He helped Av as she went from station to station slightly unsure of whether to break loose and run like the other little hellions. She stayed pretty close the whole time, doing a lot of side by side play, not too much interacting with the other kids. Once Berkely woke up I took her into the Infant Garden, she crawled, cruised, took books out of baskets and talked to other babies and she went through her first tunnel...very proud developmental moment for mommy! When we had seen and touched it all, we went for Pizza at Jupiter's. Amazing Salad and Fries and Pizza and their Hefe wasn't too bad either. We got a window seat, and when Rick took Avery to the bathroom, I had one of those quiet, reflective out of body moments...this is our life. I watched people watch me as they walked by, I felt at peace and I recalled talking about this moment, this peaceful settled feeling that I longed to have and here we are. One of the locals. I can't imagine being anywhere else. They returned to the table and as he gazed down at his mouth watering salad, he said " I still love our life, and I still love it with you." I was still recovering, but I still love my life with him too. We finished up our day window shopping, 1/2 price bookstore, and gelato. We got caught in the rain, and you know what?! We didn't even care... It was a great Sunday.

Being Played

I have had endless conversations about sleep...or the lack thereof. Today I noticed how big my baby was getting; babbling, eating(or the lack thereof) playing, standing, and cruising. She is almost a year old and I've started to see that shift between baby/infant to infant/toddler. Last night I tried something new, just for shits and giggles. I knew she was beyond tired, so I grabbed the bear(our anti-breast, lovie) and maybe it was the wrong way to go about this, but I laid down in our bed with her and patted her back.

And for the first time I saw something, I saw my infant/toddler lay down and close her eyes. Done. Just like that. And for a minute she just laid there, her back moving from deep tired breaths. Then she promptly popped up and crawled over to me trying to nurse. I pulled her down, she squirmed, cried, fought, laid, rolled, cuddled her bear, kicked, laid, smacked her bear, screamed and for 3 minutes laid still. I wasn't even touching her at that point, and I realized...No, she's not hurt, her stomach doesn't hurt, she's tired, and been trained to nurse to sleep and that's what she wants to do. She again got up and this time screamed like she was in pain, and I thought, it's her stomach! well I did have cheese. She has a cheese allergy(I think, because her sister did, doctor says no..but..she had a body rash in the hospital?!)

I called Rick to bring the gripe water(gas drops and water) I picked her up(yes! I did) and bounced her and rubbed her back and stomach. Because I won't have my baby hurting and let her cry it out...I felt awful for my lack of self control...but ooohh was that pizza delicious. I have been dabbling in dairy for awhile, partly because I have the pediatrician in the back of my head. But yes it was the pizza, had to be the pizza(do you hear the desperation and denial). So I thought, well let's just see, let's just see if its the cheese. I did a test: 1) to shut this case(the case of "Is it the dairy") and 2) because I was ready for it to be over. I nursed her. And you know what?, she's fine. Her stomach doesn't hurt. I'm being played.

Tomorrow...We start the sleep training. stay tuned.

Tired of being tired

I sent this text to my friend last night: 


Me: I need a therapy session... Seriously.


Her: What Happened?


Me: Just tired of being tired...and the girls go to bed around 10.. So it's a vicious cycle. I need to change my whole life and the way I structure my day.. I don't even know how to start.. I feel lost, tired, emotional and physically drained.. I need a moment and not one on the couch waiting for it to be interrupted.. I never really relax! My back is KILLING me ALL the time, I can't sleep because my back hurts so bad, let alone that B doesn't sleep through the night. So compounded sleep loss.. I'm irritable, snappy,snatching, yanking,yelling,popping, and uninterested in playing. I feel awful, my kids don't deserve this and I'm always rushing to keep up with my own shit.. I literally create the work, then I leave the house, only to return to it later in the day, stressed, tired, and needing to get dinner on the table. I am not the mother I want to be.. I see other moms and I want thier energy,strength, and patience. Sigh.... I'm just tired of feeling like this, and need the strength to change it!


Her: I can totally relate to everything you just said. Been there and still go there from time to time. Naoj you are human and you should be proud of what you're doing for your family. It's not easy and it takes a special mother and woman to go through what you go through and constantly put yourself last...We'll talk, try and have a good night. It will get better. Trust.

I have made a good friend. Her words settled my thoughts and brought me a day renewed. 

I truly believe there is a higher power, call him God, or the spirit or whatever you'd like, but there is something greater at work here. 

Today we made new friends at our playdate and one of the moms owns a company called 'parent perspective'. Its all about teaching parents to establish perspective and technique by 1) Developing realistic and age appropriate expectations for their child's conduct. 2) Effectively and positively communicating with their child. 3) Learning specific skills and behaviors to address various situations that arise during parenting. 

 This sounds like all the things that I'm already doing(I have moments of weakness)...so what's to learn, she's no expert... just a mom like me. But when you are in the throws of parenting, most of that goes out the window and you react in the moment. I am always eager to learn and grow when it comes to my children. I was grateful to meet her today, our conversation was reassuring, affirming, and warm(fuzzy too). I felt like the spirit knew this woman and I should meet today. Not just because yesterday was a tough day, but every month/week/hour leading to that moment, that chance conversation.  We talked about discipline, time management, mastering the art of co-parenting, playgroup dynamics (as of late: hitting), and teaching at home, what she calls; Being your child's "First and Forever" teacher.

As a stay at home mom, the only thing I do on a daily basis without fail is feed, bath, and read to my kids. All the other things come and go depending on my mood. Laundry, leaving the house, playing with Avery, doing some sort of educational activity, combing hair, cleaning, and general order and consistency. All of the above events are things I'd like to do everyday, but my stay at home, tired, easily rattled, often lazy, put off till tomorrow self basks in the glory of my free schedule. I need/WANT change, I need a routine that I can follow, easily initiate, and stick to, but I don't know where to begin, thinking about it is exhausting and unnerving. I need change for the sake of my children, my family, and above all, myself. It's like looking at a word find for 20 minutes and someone walks up and points out the answer. I know it's there, I just can't see it. I think parent perspective is going to point out that answer, and I'm thankful that someone was looking over my shoulder.


On the other hand, I've had really good days too. The ones where you feel like a great mom and wife; we laugh more than we cry, we learn, were productive, dinner is on the table and the house is clean and kids sleep by 9:30..and then you watch a movie or favorite show with your husband and reconnect. I cherish and am thankful for those days.


Here are some sweet moments from our week...