Tired of being tired

I sent this text to my friend last night: 


Me: I need a therapy session... Seriously.


Her: What Happened?


Me: Just tired of being tired...and the girls go to bed around 10.. So it's a vicious cycle. I need to change my whole life and the way I structure my day.. I don't even know how to start.. I feel lost, tired, emotional and physically drained.. I need a moment and not one on the couch waiting for it to be interrupted.. I never really relax! My back is KILLING me ALL the time, I can't sleep because my back hurts so bad, let alone that B doesn't sleep through the night. So compounded sleep loss.. I'm irritable, snappy,snatching, yanking,yelling,popping, and uninterested in playing. I feel awful, my kids don't deserve this and I'm always rushing to keep up with my own shit.. I literally create the work, then I leave the house, only to return to it later in the day, stressed, tired, and needing to get dinner on the table. I am not the mother I want to be.. I see other moms and I want thier energy,strength, and patience. Sigh.... I'm just tired of feeling like this, and need the strength to change it!


Her: I can totally relate to everything you just said. Been there and still go there from time to time. Naoj you are human and you should be proud of what you're doing for your family. It's not easy and it takes a special mother and woman to go through what you go through and constantly put yourself last...We'll talk, try and have a good night. It will get better. Trust.

I have made a good friend. Her words settled my thoughts and brought me a day renewed. 

I truly believe there is a higher power, call him God, or the spirit or whatever you'd like, but there is something greater at work here. 

Today we made new friends at our playdate and one of the moms owns a company called 'parent perspective'. Its all about teaching parents to establish perspective and technique by 1) Developing realistic and age appropriate expectations for their child's conduct. 2) Effectively and positively communicating with their child. 3) Learning specific skills and behaviors to address various situations that arise during parenting. 

 This sounds like all the things that I'm already doing(I have moments of weakness)...so what's to learn, she's no expert... just a mom like me. But when you are in the throws of parenting, most of that goes out the window and you react in the moment. I am always eager to learn and grow when it comes to my children. I was grateful to meet her today, our conversation was reassuring, affirming, and warm(fuzzy too). I felt like the spirit knew this woman and I should meet today. Not just because yesterday was a tough day, but every month/week/hour leading to that moment, that chance conversation.  We talked about discipline, time management, mastering the art of co-parenting, playgroup dynamics (as of late: hitting), and teaching at home, what she calls; Being your child's "First and Forever" teacher.

As a stay at home mom, the only thing I do on a daily basis without fail is feed, bath, and read to my kids. All the other things come and go depending on my mood. Laundry, leaving the house, playing with Avery, doing some sort of educational activity, combing hair, cleaning, and general order and consistency. All of the above events are things I'd like to do everyday, but my stay at home, tired, easily rattled, often lazy, put off till tomorrow self basks in the glory of my free schedule. I need/WANT change, I need a routine that I can follow, easily initiate, and stick to, but I don't know where to begin, thinking about it is exhausting and unnerving. I need change for the sake of my children, my family, and above all, myself. It's like looking at a word find for 20 minutes and someone walks up and points out the answer. I know it's there, I just can't see it. I think parent perspective is going to point out that answer, and I'm thankful that someone was looking over my shoulder.


On the other hand, I've had really good days too. The ones where you feel like a great mom and wife; we laugh more than we cry, we learn, were productive, dinner is on the table and the house is clean and kids sleep by 9:30..and then you watch a movie or favorite show with your husband and reconnect. I cherish and am thankful for those days.


Here are some sweet moments from our week...