It may be for the birds...

My duties include but not limited to; Personal Chef, Personal Cleaning Service, Fluff and Fold, Valet, Storytime Moderator, Therapist, Shoulder, Occasional Punching Bag, Mind Reader, and Memory Keeper. All of which I do with love, occasional patience, and on a daily basis. I am the first of my group of friends to have babies and it changes your whole world. To me selfless wasn't even a word I used, mind you I wasn't selfish, but sorta, sure! everybody is. Came and left as I pleased, sat on the couch on a Sunday and watched as many Sex and the City episodes as I could get in a 12 hour period. Only leaving the couch to a) Switch sides b) Get a snack c) Go to the bathroom. I Did Naoj all day and all night. After I had Avery(Our bundle of surprise), I went through postpartum depression. It lasted for quite some time, peaks and valleys. There was never a moment where I didn't have love for my baby but I felt alone in a lot of ways. Rick was at work all day and I knew my friends couldn't understand what I was going through, my emotional state, or personal decisions. It was tough, definitely divides the waters when your young and the first, you lose some people along the way. I had to come to terms with all that and living out of state from all I had known put even more strain on my emotions. What I was going through, that I didn't know then, was "grieving" my former self. My freedom, my body, my breasts, my "me time". God, where are the books that say that shit?! I would have taken it better if I could have read that it was normal.. to look up and say shit! this is a lot of damn work, and it may be for the birds. I don't care what age you have a baby or if it's all you ever wanted(raising my hand) you have to grieve your former life. It was no longer about me but ALL about this baby, when she eats, when she sleeps, when she cries. Not that I didn't already know that but when it's real, it's REAL. I even got shafted at Christmas! Say what? you're just gonna get the baby something?! I have to believe everybody goes through this ah-ha moment where they realize they just took a really big bite on a full stomach. I still have my moments, three years and second baby into it, where I'm grieving my former self. It usually comes when I'm having to preform one of my many daily duties and I'm like... this is my life! Wrist deep in shit, the dishwasher needs to be unloaded and if she asks me for Dora one more f'n time I'm gonna throw her over the balcony... This is my life...everyday...all day! Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family and I'm happy to do it because I chose this and I want nothing more than to make sure they are happy and healthy, but damn... Somedays..Damn! I can see myself in that hammock in Jamaica, red stripe in one hand, joint in the other...(deep breath in, and awww bliss). Ladies where's the real scoop at?, not the shiny new hardcover "YOU! having a baby" fuck that... let's be real, it's more than you can chew, period. You'll make it through, or women wouldn't have 7 babies, but yeah! it's a lot of work and you can't prepare yourself for it, just brace yourself and enjoy the ride. Coming through the first tunnel on this road, I can say... I am proud to be selfless. In all that that word encompasses, my nails are sometimes raggedy, all of my hairs need to be trimmed ; ), and I could use a couple new pieces in my closet. But my babies are taken care of, and it's only when I sit down or have a moment in the bathroom by myself that I take notice of those things and care. My new self is so rich in love,  and hugs and kisses. I have found joy in seeing the world through my children's eyes and  I am a softer, nicer person. I am grateful for the new me they have shown me...and now that the dust is settling I have glimpses of Naoj in there still, telling stories and making people laugh. Dropping it like it's hot on the dance floor..I still got it!

Until next time...